Know Your Father - The Unsung Hero in Parenting

"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it".

-Clarence Budington Kelland

Dearest Shri,

This letter that I started writing on your Dad’s birthday couldn’t be more perfectly timed than today when you and your Dad are spending some me-time together while I am vacationing roughly 600 km away. I am penning this letter to let you know your Father- whom you lovingly call Papa, through my eyes- your Mom. So far, all my articles have been majorly about ‘you and me’ and the times we have spent together. Somewhere down the line, I guess I did not write much about an integral part of your life- your Papa. You might think why so?

Well Son, quite often a Mom’s role in a child’s life is highlighted to such an extent (by mothers themselves as well as the society) that the person who is equally responsible for a child’s existence- a Father, his part is sidelined. This somehow seems to be a universal truth. For instance, one comes across umpteen number of Mommy blogs on social networking sites, but very few blogs are written by and about Dads. My Son, remember the role that men play as Fathers is never small by any means or measure, but it gets overshadowed by the efforts that Mothers put in loving, caring and nurturing a family. Thus, Fathers become the unsung heroes in Parenting. This letter of mine is dedicated to your Dad, wherein I simply introduce him to you starting from the moment he became a Papa.

My Kiddo, the hour you were born, it was raining cats and dogs with your Dad being stuck in the parking area of the hospital, apologizing to a stranger whom he narrowly missed hitting while pulling up his car in that time of emergency. Let me tell you that your Dad’s car driving experience when you entered our lives was although a little over a year, but he drove well, better than the person who taught him driving, your Mom. So, you guessed correctly, Papa was nervous. Well, the sole purpose of narrating this incident is to make you aware of the fact that your Papa was not around when the nurse was asking for him to have the first glimpse of his Son and be the first family person to hold him for the maiden Father-Son bonding. Do not worry! I am still annoyed with him for missing that moment, and now that you have come to know, you can also take your own sweet time to forgive and forget. Probably, he first saw you in the Nursery of the hospital where you were taken for after-care or in your maiden pictures clicked by your Massi. Nevertheless, Papa was elated on your arrival. After three months at your Naani’s place, your Papa took us home in a brand-new car which was purchased just to celebrate the new addition to our family-YOU! Your love or rather an obsession for his car can be imagined by the fact that thus far, you have never travelled by any other mode of transport (your stroller, walker and tricycle excluded) except your Father’s car- which you lovingly address as Papa’s PP car.

My Child although in comparison to your Dad, I have spent many more hours with you yet most of your life’s priceless moments and milestones took place in his presence, and rather than being jealous I am glad as well as proud. In their busy schedules to provide for their families, not many Fathers are lucky to witness their munchkin’s milestones. Some of your life’s firsts that Papa was a part of are- your nails were pared by him for the first time. Your first heartfelt giggle that echoed in our home and hearts was when he tickled you. Although you spoke the word ‘Mumma’ first, it was said while playing with your Papa, and then I coerced him to make you repeatedly say it. Your most memorable first with your Dad was on the day of Janmashtami when you took those tiny steps holding his hands and leaving them intermittently to shakily walk by yourself. Out of sheer joy, he called out to me, and I rushed from the kitchen to watch you walking shakily towards your Dad and collapsing from a distance in his secure arms. I might have captured those replays or repeat moments, but it was he who lived and witnessed the original one. Gosh! That moment was so magical that it made us feel that we desire nothing more from this world or rather the entire Universe.

By the time you reached one of your major milestones- turning a year old, your Papa could do all those things which your Mom did for you. From sterilizing your feeding bottle to changing nappies. From waking up in the middle of the night to bathing you. I never forced him to learn, but he willingly took that as his duty or responsibility, and he has my respect for the same. Our society makes a big deal when household chores are shared by men, but in our family, we never felt the need to glamorize if your Dad cleaned, cooked or was a hands-on father in my absence. Remember Shri, cleaning, cooking and washing are some of the essential life-saving skills that all persons irrespective of their gender must learn. Your Papa knows the fact that one day you will follow his example rather than his advice and so, he leads by example in day to day life for you to see and learn. In his word, it is absolutely normal to be an involved Father. My Child, your Dad and Me have reversed our roles many times without any qualms depending on what the situation is and without succumbing to societal pressure.

It was because of your Dad, that I could without any worry or a Mother’s guilt take my first solo trip after your birth. Yes, I was away from you for 10 days and your Father did not bother me by frequently calling for any issue concerning you. There were days when I neither spoke to you, nor you cried to talk to me. I thoroughly enjoyed my trip, and this was possible only because I knew in my absence, you were being looked after very well. When I was not around, you two gelled so nicely that I decided to give both of you ‘ShriDad’ time almost every year. As I am giving final touches to this letter, it has been a little over 5 months since your Papa’s birthday, and you guys are yet again enjoying your much-loved 'Papa-Beta' time. A time for you to bond a little more with your Father and for me to rejuvenate and re-connect with my Parents, Family and Friends. Although this year, amidst the second wave of COVID-19 it was a tough decision to be away from you, the confidence in your Dad's words and action removed the slightest doubt or guilt that might have crossed my mind to think otherwise. Even though you were taken quite ill while parting, yet I had no reasons to worry. This was because I knew that you were in the safest two hands that I have known. My Son, these hands might tremble, and their grip might weaken with time, but they will always be strong enough to abundantly bless and guide you. Shri, the day you are grown up enough to not only read but understand this letter, hold these hands tight whenever you can, kiss them, keep them gently on your head and seek your Dad’s blessings. Lucky are those children who have their parents for the longest time in their lives. I pray that you be amongst one of those. Amen! We were unlucky to not have your Papa’s father- your Daddu with us to see you grow. Your Dad was closest to his Father- the only person who your Papa believes understood and loved him unconditionally. We lost him a little too early else you would have witnessed the special bond between him and your Papa. Your Dad has not moved on but moved forward with that grief. He remembers and misses him every single day of his life.

Son, I will advise that as you grow up, learn whatever you can from your Father. In this world, there are very few persons who will do anything for you in the best possible way without an iota of selfishness. One of those persons in your life is your Papa. Gain practical, technical, worldly knowledge from him. Not only this, when the appropriate time comes, you can get one of the best advice from him regarding your love life. If you doubt me on this, try asking him to narrate his times. You will fall in love with your Dad nth time for his bang on advice which will ensure your heart never gets broken. Learn from your Papa’s experiences, talk about yours, exchange your views, believe in him and his suggestions, and please do that without judging him because he will NEVER judge you. Remember my child, it is when the act of judgement creeps in relationships, they begin to fall apart.

Shri, you resemble your Dad not only in physical appearance but in several other attributes. The way you sleep and speak is a replica of him. You will be surprised that the maximum photographs of you and your Papa are the ones that I have clicked where both of you are having a sound sleep, tucked in the same bedsheet with almost identical postures. I call them as the copy-paste moments, and one of the most treasured pics in my collection. As you grow up and create your friend circle, I wish that you still are proudly able to say, “My Papa- my best friend and my first superhero”.

As a toddler today, you love spending time with your Papa every single evening. I must write you guys have a strict and perfect regime. Most of your evenings are spent strolling on your tricycle with him, visiting the temple and thereafter enjoying your car ride on the University campus for hours. In those hours you both have snacks (or Kham-Kham as you say) while listening to your Dad's favourite songs. Subsequently, you have your most enjoyable learning sessions, and once you are through with them, Papa and you recline on the driver and passenger seats respectively to take a short power nap. All these little secrets of you and your Dad were found out by me in bits and pieces in several days. You are your Papa’s best car buddy, and he no longer loves driving his car without you. There are so many activities that become interesting to your Dad just because you tag along. Some of them being biking, bathing, car washing, eating meals together. I must say that in your little existence in this world, you have had maximum lunch and dinner dates with him. It is a delight to watch you both listening and dancing to your favourite songs. The moments when you enact your Father doing crunches and sit-ups are those of pure bliss. Hope you always remain the reason for your Papa to work towards his fitness even when he is 70 and counting. Also, the way you get the toolbox for your Dad and watch him repair things along with enacting the same with your pencil as a screwdriver to repair your broken car are some of the moments that bring so much joy to us. Remember Shri, your Papa will not say the three magical words- I love you as often as I do, but deep down in his heart, he loves you more than me. Don’t ever doubt that!

My Kiddo, I strongly wish that the bond between you and your Father become stronger with each passing day. You both might have a difference of opinion and may end up in confrontations, but do not let those disagreements be the reason for you distancing from him. Your father is a self-made person, a man of dignity and righteousness. He might not be the one to use sugar-coated language to explain things, but he will give you the best possible honest solution for a problem. If you commit a mistake, he might get angry and offended at first, but then he will be the one to take you out of that trouble come whatever it takes. Always remember contacting and confiding in him is the shortest distance between you and your problems. He is not an imposing person. He will not force you to do a particular thing but will keep a close watch and be there to help you when you falter. He might not be great at remembering dates or doing decorations on your birthdays, but he is too good at remembering all important passwords and getting the finest cakes and the best available materials for decorations. He will not click plenty of pictures of you and me, but the ones he does look professional. He is a very emotional person who lacks diplomacy. So do not lie to him because he will believe whatever you say without an iota of doubt, and if you somehow break that trust it will dishearten him. Your Papa does not want you to live and fulfil his dreams but to build and live your dreams, give him reason to believe in those dreams by working towards them. Kids aspire to be like their Fathers when they grow up, but as a toddler, you aspire to become like Elon Musk uncle and your Papa takes so much pride and delight in this dream of yours because he himself is a huge fan of Musk. I love the way you guys keep watching the launch video of Musk’s reusable rocket on a loop almost every day. Your innocent but firm intent to launch another one of your own when you grow up just adjacent to the one by Musk makes your Dad’s heart swell with pride. Strange you have even decided the colour for your rocket. Dream Kiddo dream as it is the first step to accomplish great things and your Papa will help you in all his capacity to own your dreams and help you fulfil them.

Finally, my child, go wherever you want in pursuit of your career and ambition but remember to stay connected. It is only when you disconnect, you will fall else Papa will be there for you, Always! Shri as you grow, try to know your Dad through your eyes. You will get plenty of reasons to love, adore, respect and idolize him.

With a heart full of love for the two of you,

A Wife who admires her husband for the amazing father that he is

and,

A Mom who knows your Dad a lot more than you!

P.S. Hey Shri, as you grow up, I will slowly give up the role of a mediator between you and your Papa’s ego clashes. You guys need to come to a resolution yourself and stop bothering me. As we all age, I just wish to sit in my relaxing chair, reading, writing or listening to some good music with the contentment that you guys are sitting on a couch in an adjacent room engrossed in a lively, healthy, and informative conversation. Occasionally, you may raise a toast for yourselves without seeking my permission. Amidst those conversations, I just want that one of you should prepare a hot steaming cup of ginger tea or strong coffee and hand that personally to me in my chair with a peck on my cheeks, and a sweet I love you (well, you need to decide amongst yourself whose turn it’s going to be).