The Grief: When I am Gone!

"A mother’s love doesn’t make her son more dependent and timid; it actually makes him stronger and more independent"-Cheri Fuller

Dearest Shri,

I had no intention of writing this letter to you so early in my life but have never felt life to be so unpredictable. Courtesy COVID-19 and the uncertainties it brought with it. Nevertheless, I am sure this letter will make sense to you only when you have grown up enough.

My child, one day your Mom will not be by your side anymore, physically. She will no longer be a part of this mortal world. No phone calls, no messages, no hugs, no-touch will reach your Mom. You will carry my number in your contact list long after I am gone. The process of deleting this one number will be so difficult, painful, and emotionally draining, that it will probably take a millionth time for you to finally erase it off, if at all you can. You will try calling me umpteen number of times and desperately wishing every single time that I pick up your call just one last time as you have so much to say, but that My son, will not happen, ever. Losing a Parent is one of the most traumatic and devastating events in a person’s life because it is they and only they who love you unconditionally. You will be extremely hurt as you will lose a part of yourself too. I wish I could alleviate your pain. Maybe this letter does. Do read it till the end. It might help you in coping with your grief.

My child, first, I want you to accept the fact that death is an inevitable process. The hardest part about it is that we just have to live through it, there is nothing we can do to control it. Most of us have to go through the process of witnessing our loved ones go, and trust me everyone comes out of it, okay! It might seem the end of the world for you, you might suddenly feel scared by the thought that there is no one to love, guide, and protect you unconditionally, you might feel lost and clueless, life might seem meaningless and not worth living for, your world might come to a standstill; it simply might collapse, but remember My dear, this too shall pass. It will take a while, maybe longer. Give yourself that time. Ample of it! Remember time alone is the greatest healer.

You must grieve over your loss, cry your heart out. Do not get into the crap that boys do not cry, they are emotionally strong. Let the world say whatever they want to, if in case you feel like shouting, yelling, turning quiet do that please… for as long as you wish. It takes time to get over the grief of someone whom you loved. If in case you lose your appetite, that is okay. You do not feel like talking to anyone including your loved ones and want to be left alone; that is fine. You do not feel like getting up from the bed for days together; that too is absolutely okay. If you see me in your dreams; do not panic. If you seem to lose your trust in God; do not worry, He will give you reasons to rekindle that faith. But in case you resort to alcohol and drug abuse, that is not okay. You initiate self-destructive mode, that too is not okay. You think of ending your life, that remember my son is not okay for anyone at any point in their life. I am not a person who brands it as an act of a coward, it needs courage for that extreme step, but it is never worth the effort in any situation.

Your Mom also wants you to never let yourself get caught in the vicious circle of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. For instance, wishing if you were there to take care of me when I was not well, wishing you were by my side when I breathed my last, wishing if you would have taken my call every single time, feeling sorry for the times you did not listen to me, wishing you never shouted at me, agreed with me more often, spent more time with me, wishing if you never asked me to be quiet or had paid a little more attention while I was talking to you, etcetera, etcetera. These and many more thoughts will cross your mind, but do not let them rule you. I do not want you to live in the guilt of blaming yourself for things you did not do for me or the things you could have done for me, but didn't. I do not want you to live in the guilt of your Mom’s death, not even in the slightest bit. Remember My child, the death of a Parent is NEVER EVER a child’s fault. It is all destined and eternal truth.

Trust me with each passing day, you will heal and slowly come to terms with this grief. You will come out of it for sure! Remember when you were a kid and broke any of your toys that could not be repaired, you cried your heart out thinking that nothing will ever be right again. But after a while, you would be happy playing with ‘nth’ other things. I know it is not an appropriate metaphor but even after I am gone, life will give you many reasons to MOVE ON! You need to find that one reason and hold onto it, and you will sail through these tough times too. Do not shut yourself completely. Try talking and finding solace in friends and family who genuinely care for you. Remember, My son, your Mom, raised an independent, strong boy who might get broken several times in life, but who for sure will rise every single time.

Do not stop talking about me, missing me, listening to my favorite songs, or watching my favorite movies. Do not turn bitter towards life. Don’t stop cooking and relishing your Mom’s favorite dishes that she cooked for you neither don’t stop watching photos and videos that bring back moments of joy that we built together. I have seen many people doing that, erasing every bit of their beloved who left for their heavenly abode as they cannot deal with the pain that gets tagged along with those memories. Probably that is their way of coping up with grief. But My child, remember with you, your Mom had the best days of her life and together we created and captured those moments. A year or two after I am gone, these memories will be less painful, and you will slowly remember them fondly. You need to make peace with the fact that although death is the ultimate destination for every single living being on this planet, the journey we have is the one that matters. Not many families are able to have a journey that is fulfilling, worth remembering, worth sharing, and worth living. Our family did. Together with you and your Dad, I had a journey that was full of life, love, respect, encouragement, and constructive criticism. My son, do not fear to relive or share those memories with your family.

My memories that you have nestled in some corner of your brains might just pop up or flash on several occasions or incidents. Such as while watching a Mom loving her kid or dropping him at school or by looking at a mother who is concerned for her kid who just fell in the street or when you come across innumerable heartfelt messages that children write for their Moms on Mother’s day on social networking sites or when you listen to a colleague talking to or about his mother or when you meet someone’s Mom who showers her blessings on you or cooks you a meal of your choice, or as you listen to an emotional song dedicated to a Mom and many more. All these moments might be too overwhelming for you, but that is okay. Every time you feel low, make me alive by going down the memory lane. You will find me right there hugging you tight. You do not have to forget your dead Mom. No one does! The harder you will try to do that; with more force, those memories will bounce back. So, let them be! They will automatically fade away after a while.

What I specifically want to tell you is that I do not want you to be sad. I want you to be happy because I was happy. You made me happier than I could have ever asked for. I want you to focus on things that make you happy. Stop trying to please people. Nurture a relationship but do not go the extra mile to maintain a dead relationship. Don’t hold onto someone who doesn’t want to hold onto you. Do not let people take you for granted. Help someone in need but do not get fooled. Give your family and friends time, love, and care as they are the ones who will stick by your side in all your highs and lows. Make money, be rich, be famous but do not get caught in the rat race. As in the end, it does not matter how rich or famous you are, all that matters is how loved and happy you are.

You indeed look more like your Dad, but you have inherited a part of mine too, my smile and my chin. So, I am living through you; I have always been, and therefore, I am with you, in you always. The way you arrange things systematically, the way you look at the finer details while you work, and the way you love people who matter to you and become emotional, all these qualities have been passed through me to you, and therefore you have no reasons to believe that I will leave you all by yourself. You can call life unfair if you happen to be the only person going through this grief, but this My child is the cycle of life and death and no one has ever been able to evade or escape the inevitable. I want you to believe that you are strong enough to get over this emotional turmoil. You will be alright; not at once, not for quite some time, but eventually, you will!

My child, the pain associated with the loss of a parent never goes away completely, but it surely reduces with time, and you might not believe in the possibility of what I am writing next but you will be able to laugh, live and be happy again.

Thank you, My love, for being the most special person in my life and making my life meaningful and beautiful. I might not have been a parenting expert and would have committed several mistakes in your upbringing, but one thing that I have kept constant in that process is my love for you. Rest assured this love will never die out.

Mumma will always watch over you, protect you, shower you, and all your loved ones with her blessings every single minute. After all, a Mom’s work is 24 X 7 round the clock, on Earth or in Heaven. My soul will keep guiding and blessing you in abundance because remember: No one except you was, is, and will ever be my ‘Mitthu’.

Now as you cry inconsolably reading this letter of mine, remember Mom too cried while penning it down. It was not easy for her to write this, but she did. Similarly, it will not be easy for you to let her go but you MUST. Do it not only for yourself but for ME! So that I & my soul RIP (ab toh aaram karne de beta).

Son, do please take good care of yourself. I will miss you too!

A Mom who will never stop loving you.

P.S. 1: Son, I can't be grateful enough to the Almighty for sparing me until date from bearing this irreplaceable loss. May God bless my parents (your Naanu & Naani) & your Daadi with a healthy, happy, and long life. Amen!

P.S. 2: Just wanted you to know, it was past midnight when I suddenly felt the urge of writing this letter to you. No specific reason though. I wrote the first draft of this article in just one sitting. You were sleeping next to your Dad, holding tightly a small car in your fist. When finally, after a week, I completed this blog, it was you who pressed the publish button on my website. Remember, you were my strength as I could not have mustered enough courage to post it all by myself, and today if I am gone, you need to show that strength again.

P.S. 3: I also hope when you can finally read and understand this letter of mine, I am there by your side reading my favorite novel so that the moment you are through with this post, you can rush to me, hug me tightly, cry your heart out and say Mumma I love you. Don’t you ever leave me and go. Amen!

Son, if in case this doesn’t happen, don’t worry, we will eventually meet again, but until then enjoy and live your life to the fullest so that when we have our rendezvous, you have with you an unending list of conversations about your stay on Earth. I will be waiting and ready with mine too. God bless you!